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There's no dinner, no conversation or getting to know each other a little first -- just straight to the "show. If you're confused by that distinction, join the club. Of course, I'm sure the massage girls think we're whores because we don't even throw a friendly massage in first. What about the trapezius? Won't anyone think of the trapezius?

When the caller for a moped prostitute and a pamphlet girl for a massage parlor get too close, things can explode. And not in a sexy, euphemistic way. Callers will knock the pamphlets out of the girls' hands; the girls will kick over the bikes of a rival.

There's a parlor very near my room, and full-on fights over clients aren't at all uncommon. It's like a parody porno of The Warriors out there. You don't want to know what the prostitute version of Luther sticks to her fingers. Prostitution is not only an expected part of the culture here, but a huge aspect of our tourism industry. Yes, prostitutes can be arrested, but only when they are found to be part of a trafficking ring or are committing another crime while doing it.

Otherwise, it's winked at heavily by law enforcement. In fact, the police do more than look the other way -- they protect us better than any pimp could. I mean, you won't see "Ho Chi Minh Police: Way Better Than Pimps" emblazoned on their badges or anything, but they have our backs. We have each other's backs, too. If someone tries to go to a moped prostitute's apartment, they'll find that all of the neighboring apartments are also filled with prostitutes, as well as an owner who can come and pin down the abuser.

Clients who get aggressive can look forward to being dogpiled by call girls, and while that does sound like a hell of a lot of fun, I can assure you it is less so in practice. The police have no qualms with punishing tourists caught abusing women, and they can totally be reported to American authorities.

One of my customers threatened me with a pocket knife when I was 16, and after I yelled out my code word, there were police on the scene in a couple of minutes Without so much as asking if I was a prostitute, let alone arresting me. The man was deported the next day, and last I heard, was arrested on arrival in the United States.

There's this misconception that sex tourists can do whatever they want in other countries with impunity, as though that country wouldn't protect its own people over a sexually-frustrated rug salesman from Albuquerque. Diem retired as a prostitute shortly after our interview and opened a moped accessory shop in Ho Chi Minh City. Symon is the interview finder guy at Cracked and asked over 40 prostitutes before finding one willing to talk with him about being a prostitute.

If you have an awesome job or experience you would like to talk with Cracked about, hit up the tipline at tips cracked. Are you on reddit? Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit. Have a story to share with Cracked?

Hit us up at this address. Cracked is up for a Webby Award! Click here and give us a vote for "Best Humor Website. While it is illegal to charge money for sex in most states, you can definitely command a fee for your company Don't make me do this again.

Don't have an account? Please enter a Username. I agree to the Terms of Service. Add me to the weekly newsletter.

Add me to the daily newsletter. Link Existing Cracked Account. Use My Facebook Avatar. Add me to the weekly Newsletter. I'm not going to finish that analogy, for all our sakes. I'd likely end up talking the ladies into attending night school, or walking my dog for a nominal fee. Yes, I write this from my middle-class pedestal. I've never fallen on life-threatening hard times, but I know this: Women, every single one of them, are worth more than their bodies.

In an ideal world, everyone would see that. But clearly, I'm a newbie in this world. In the interest of exploring all sides of the debate, I tracked down a friend-of-a-Facebook-friend who agreed to talk to me about his experience with prostitutes — or "prosties" as he called them — and why he frequents a Toronto brothel. Tim, a divorced year-old from Mississauga who hasn't had free sex in over six months, met me at a pub. I was shocked at how easy it was to find someone with personal experience and didn't know exactly what to ask.

Thankfully, he wanted to share. He admits that "regular sex" would be a better option, but says it's difficult to meet people in his circles. Still, "doing it with someone I see a lot … that'd be better I guess. He tells me about his lost love, his ex-wife. His eyes light up when he talks about their honeymoon heat — but they darken again when the conversation turns.

He starts ranting about one lady in particular at the "house" he frequents. His emotional attachment to her is clear "she's pretty and really sweet, you'd like her, I swear" and he genuinely thinks she cares about him. What about your safety? Tim's response is quick, and blunt: He uses protection, but admits, "when I get to that point and I'm there, I'm not worried about safety.

When Tim and I part ways, I walk home, confident in my original advice, but saddened for those who can't avoid prostitution. The decision to pay someone for sex not only diminishes the act, I think to myself, but devalues both parties involved. Have a sex question? This is a space where subscribers can engage with each other and Globe staff. Non-subscribers can read and sort comments but will not be able to engage with them in any way.

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